i wish things were different. sometimes.

nights when i sit. alone. wondering where everyone went.

and then with nothing else to do. i bury myself in work. listlessly shoving my mind full of school. work. trying to forget that people are out there having fun.

it's probably my fault. pushing people away or something. it happens i suppose.

i do have a lot of work to do anyway. might as well spend time getting it done. or something.

also. i wish emotions werent so hard for me to figure out. or even express. then i worry people. i dont like worrying people. sigh. perhaps i am just being dumb.

blah

Yeeeeeah...

So things havent gotten much better inwardly since Monday. And I keep forgetting that it's Wednesday...

Slowly things are starting to sort themselves out, but it's weird cuz with every piece that falls into place I dont seem to feel better. It almost makes me feel worse. I'm trying to take heart in my horoscope from today.. something about dark coming before the light and emerging triumphant. Which is ironic considering I need to have a talk with a certain someone, hopefully today which should clear up a lot. Or not judging by the trend. And whatever results from this talk will be interesting and since I'm not sure what I want to hear... it only scares me all the more. But then I'm all ready to talk.. only to find that he's run off to be productive elsewhere. *sighs* Oh life... why?

Anyway... school... yeah... I dunno what's going on anymore.. I won't pretend I know either. *nods sagely*

Oh yeah.. I reactivated my NaNoWriMo account. I'm gonna do it this year!! For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. The challenge? Write a 50,000 word (175pg) novel in the month of November. The premise being that the major block to most novel writing is that people dont just let themselves write. So you do it in a month, get everything out and fix it later. I've tried for 2 years now... and failed. This might be my year. I could take inspiration from this past month... that could probably get me a novel. ANGST EVERYWHERE!!! the end.

*sigh* Maybe I should do some work....

why? that's all i can ask at this point. why.

i've involved too many other people. it's affecting too many people and i can't deal with it. guilt. pain. angst. loneliness. i'm trying. but sometimes, i wonder if it's worth trying at all. if i shouldn't just shut myself off. not let myself feel. no pity. no sympathy. sometimes i feel so dead inside. there's nothing there. and then i let myself feel a bit. let myself go. and it's fine again. i can pretend i'm not confused. crushed. crying.

all i can think is to keep up the facade. maybe it makes me seem cruel. ice cold. i can't worry anyone else. there are too many other people involved. they have their own issues. don't worry about me. i'll survive. i'll be fine. i'm dealing. stop.

and, i can't help you. you want me to help you. i can't. you won't accept. won't let me be just a friend to you. how can i help like that. excess past. baggage that needs to be dealt with. and it hurts inside. more death. it plagues me. it's wrong but it's right. and i don't understand. dont think i'll ever be able to understand. and either way it's pain.

sometimes i wonder about my ability to cope with everyday life. ever.

and sometimes... sometimes i just can't make myself care.

It's been a weekend of ups and downs.

Yesterday I went to my sister's soccer game. It was cute and they won which made her really happy. But then of course my mother wanted to go to the mall so I could help her pick something out. *sigh* And as a result I was late for work at 5 here at UCONN. Note to self: Leaving the house at 4:15 pm *will* make you late at 5. And on top of that, I didn't get to go to the Asian store for snacks. Maybe someone here at school will want to go... *ponders*

So yeah.. work. I've decided I don't like the call center very much. Not that I don't like it, but I'm used to being social with the people I work with. I like being able to talk as I work and being in the call center means I can't leave for more than a few minutes. Yeah... but it was ok. I just took lots of 'wander around the shop saying hi to people" breaks.

After work, I went with Gerg to Subway and then back to his room to watch Stomp Out Loud, that group that does percussion stuff with random stuff... like brooms... and basketballs. It was amazing. And we spend a good 20 min after with this roommate and friend doing our own version of Stomp in his room. It was pretty funny. Then I got roped into their midnight running session.

Ironically, it was actually pretty fun and I appear to be in better shape than I thought I was. The thing is, if you get me doing anything exercise related, like running and ddr, late at night, I get more energy. *grin* Apparently last night was a baby run though lol. And I finally, after 2 years, learned where the rape trail was and how to get to Celeron and Carriage Apts. Oh the... joy I suppose. This was followed by lying in this big-ass dark field looking up at the stars. As Gerg said "when i pictured coming to college, I never thought it would include lying in a wet field after midnight looking up at the stars".

But... as life usually progresses for me.. the world saw that I was happy and energized... so it went and killed it. Pat confronted me after. In fact... he was standing in my hallway waiting for me to get back. *sigh* Accusations were thrown about... there was yelling. It wasn't pretty. It's ok... I probably deserve to be hated anyway...