i didn't want this....

why? that's all i can ask at this point. why.

i've involved too many other people. it's affecting too many people and i can't deal with it. guilt. pain. angst. loneliness. i'm trying. but sometimes, i wonder if it's worth trying at all. if i shouldn't just shut myself off. not let myself feel. no pity. no sympathy. sometimes i feel so dead inside. there's nothing there. and then i let myself feel a bit. let myself go. and it's fine again. i can pretend i'm not confused. crushed. crying.

all i can think is to keep up the facade. maybe it makes me seem cruel. ice cold. i can't worry anyone else. there are too many other people involved. they have their own issues. don't worry about me. i'll survive. i'll be fine. i'm dealing. stop.

and, i can't help you. you want me to help you. i can't. you won't accept. won't let me be just a friend to you. how can i help like that. excess past. baggage that needs to be dealt with. and it hurts inside. more death. it plagues me. it's wrong but it's right. and i don't understand. dont think i'll ever be able to understand. and either way it's pain.

sometimes i wonder about my ability to cope with everyday life. ever.

and sometimes... sometimes i just can't make myself care.