And in the end it's all one big lie

I'm frustrated with myself. The inability to open my eyes enough before now it biting me in the ass.
Overwhelmed with thoughts, feelings. I didn't expect it.
It's been something of a lie.
And now I don't know what to do.
And these exams are hovering over me. No time to confront because I need to study. Can't study because my mind is going in circles.
*sigh*
Why. Letting yourself stop to feel hurts.
Lots.
But I have to do it.
I have to take my losses.
Cry.
I've been doing that a lot. Randomly. I was in class today and it was threatening. I didn't think leaving the small room would go over so well though. So I didn't.
I'm cruel.
I see it.
I'm sorry.
I was afraid.
And now it doesn't matter. It's done with.
Now I just need to let myself live.
I never thought it would be easy, but I didn't expect this.
I dont know what I'm talking about.

Don't mention this to me.
Don't ask.
I won't tell you...