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So... I have this habit of screwing stuff up....
It's been an entirely too long last couple days... Hell I don't even remember half of it I don't think. Yesterday was movie night which was rather sub-par for me. We watched lots and lots of some person playing mario64 really well. Which is cool for about 5 minutes and then you just want to shoot yourself in the head to make it stop. Got in lots of cuddle time with Pat tho. Except that I read Adam's LJ tonight when he talks about Marianne and Tyler and how they cuddle a lot and how that didn't make him feel so good. And now I just feel vaguely guilty when I realize who else was in the room with us at the time. And now I'm probably going to be told that it's ok, but I dunno... maybe it's not.
Today I mostly just hung out with Pat and Heather. We went over to Brett's with Rick to play video games and it was just a lot of fun. But then when I got back my mood just snapped. I don't even know why, it just snapped and I really wanted to break something. Inflict pain. Be a bitch to people. So basically I got mad at Rick in the hub, said "fuck you" to him and then proceeded to ignore the messages Pat was sending to me via AIM for about 5 minutes which only hurt him, upset him, and just generally screwed everything over. I finally did respond but not before seriously worrying him. And the worst part is, when I finally did respond, all I said was "what" and he was obviously hurt by it. And if I were him I would hate me by now because I can be such a bitch when my mood swings like this. And he offered to visit, but I knew he was tired and that I don't deserve it with the way I've been acting but all I want right now is a hug because I can't stop crying for some reason. GAAAAAH. Why.... I should probably just go to bed. But it's hard to sleep knowing you hurt someone you love. And I was so mean to everyone tonight. This is why I am not a social person. This is why I usually keep people at a distance. It's a little late now to remove myself and I just feel guilty. I can't think straight anymore.
Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Maybe it'll all just go away in the morning...
Today I mostly just hung out with Pat and Heather. We went over to Brett's with Rick to play video games and it was just a lot of fun. But then when I got back my mood just snapped. I don't even know why, it just snapped and I really wanted to break something. Inflict pain. Be a bitch to people. So basically I got mad at Rick in the hub, said "fuck you" to him and then proceeded to ignore the messages Pat was sending to me via AIM for about 5 minutes which only hurt him, upset him, and just generally screwed everything over. I finally did respond but not before seriously worrying him. And the worst part is, when I finally did respond, all I said was "what" and he was obviously hurt by it. And if I were him I would hate me by now because I can be such a bitch when my mood swings like this. And he offered to visit, but I knew he was tired and that I don't deserve it with the way I've been acting but all I want right now is a hug because I can't stop crying for some reason. GAAAAAH. Why.... I should probably just go to bed. But it's hard to sleep knowing you hurt someone you love. And I was so mean to everyone tonight. This is why I am not a social person. This is why I usually keep people at a distance. It's a little late now to remove myself and I just feel guilty. I can't think straight anymore.
Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Maybe it'll all just go away in the morning...
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*hugs* Thanks Cristina. You know I love you too.