So... I have this habit of screwing stuff up....

[fiarra]

It's been an entirely too long last couple days... Hell I don't even remember half of it I don't think. Yesterday was movie night which was rather sub-par for me. We watched lots and lots of some person playing mario64 really well. Which is cool for about 5 minutes and then you just want to shoot yourself in the head to make it stop. Got in lots of cuddle time with Pat tho. Except that I read Adam's LJ tonight when he talks about Marianne and Tyler and how they cuddle a lot and how that didn't make him feel so good. And now I just feel vaguely guilty when I realize who else was in the room with us at the time. And now I'm probably going to be told that it's ok, but I dunno... maybe it's not.

Today I mostly just hung out with Pat and Heather. We went over to Brett's with Rick to play video games and it was just a lot of fun. But then when I got back my mood just snapped. I don't even know why, it just snapped and I really wanted to break something. Inflict pain. Be a bitch to people. So basically I got mad at Rick in the hub, said "fuck you" to him and then proceeded to ignore the messages Pat was sending to me via AIM for about 5 minutes which only hurt him, upset him, and just generally screwed everything over. I finally did respond but not before seriously worrying him. And the worst part is, when I finally did respond, all I said was "what" and he was obviously hurt by it. And if I were him I would hate me by now because I can be such a bitch when my mood swings like this. And he offered to visit, but I knew he was tired and that I don't deserve it with the way I've been acting but all I want right now is a hug because I can't stop crying for some reason. GAAAAAH. Why.... I should probably just go to bed. But it's hard to sleep knowing you hurt someone you love. And I was so mean to everyone tonight. This is why I am not a social person. This is why I usually keep people at a distance. It's a little late now to remove myself and I just feel guilty. I can't think straight anymore.

Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Maybe it'll all just go away in the morning...

Comments

[crstn85.livejournal.com]

*hug* deep breath. ahhh
now- this happens to everyone sometimes, you're overtired, you've been spending too much time with the same people, you haven't had any time to yourself or you've simply been containing the anger and frustration of having to watch an excessively dumb movie. whatever the reasons are, it happens and you just need to take a deep breath, tell anyone who wants to talk to you that you need some time to chill and then explain the next day that you had a bad night. anyone who knows you and cares about you will understand that. you are fully capable of getting close to people, this isn't a direct result of that. now, go back out there, have some fun and don't be so hard on yourself!
i love you!

[starsparkle333.livejournal.com]

*deep breath* ok.... i think i'm going to be fine. it was a fluke mood swing. fun is key and i'm having plenty of it, so why stop right??

*hugs* Thanks Cristina. You know I love you too.

[quindraco.livejournal.com]

Ohhh, ok. No harm done to me, then. I'm glad you weren't really upset. :)

As for the cuddling: You should reread the post. The only people you risk upsetting are myself, Alan, and Adam; all three of us are voyeurs, and are quite content to watch you cuddle, because we think it's hot. Mari and Ty were simply getting to Adam; it's a unique case. So yes, you're being told it's ok. :)

[starsparkle333.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry again. I never meant any of it really.

So those 2 are a unique case, huh? Well ok then. Just you people be sure to let me know if it ever bothers you at all. And I mean that.
lol Now I feel all watched and stuff. =P
Heh... that never stopped me....

[japarican85.livejournal.com]

It's really weird how things going on in both of our lives are parallel to each other. I think someone kinda hates me for being an ass and yes, it is hard going to sleep knowing that you've upset/hurt/annoyed that certain someone. I'm sure that all we want to do is make the other person as happy as can be. Once we realize how we've acted, it feels like there is a huge hole in our chest. It feels empty from all the guilt. I hope everything turns out for the better. I hope it does in my case too.

[starsparkle333.livejournal.com]

Whoa... you too?? Everytime I post something it seems like we match. That's absolutely insane. (and now that I said it, it will never happened again...) I guess I just really had to follow the advice of my friend up there. Just keep going, rest, and then explain what happened to the relevant people. If they care, everything will be ok.

Hope everything works out for you!!!!