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nyani?
Once again I find myself staring at a blank journal entry page, trying to avoid the work that is sitting here on my desk... and again being pestered by my own inner thoughts.
It feels increasingly like not one person I know thinks that I'm capable of making my own decisions. Like they assume that I don't think through on my decisions and that obviously this is a huge mistake. And that I was manipulated into something that can't possibly be right for me.
And... I don't know. I've been making decisions for myself, trying to direct some of my life's path a little... and no one wants to have the faith in me to do it right. I understand that people worry about me, that they want what's best. I totally appreciate that. It's nice to have people who care. But when those people tell you point-blank that you NEED to re-think everything because it's all a huge mistake and they KNOW it's wrong for ME.. well then we have a problem.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. My brother IMed me tonight to basically try and convince me that I'm totally wrong and just confused. To try and play shrink. He's 17.. and barely knows whats going on. Not that age has anything to do with his insight. But it made me angry because he said some things that shouldn't have been said. Hateful, angry and judgemental things. And the last was perhaps the most surprising. I know that personally I've been raised to be very non-judgemental (this might be my own ego talking though). And to hear him judge someone he has met once, for about 30 seconds, and to instantly assume he knows that person's character. It's just wrong.
And it makes everything so much harder. He's my brother. He's one of the most likely to voice it. So.. who else thinks I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? Honestly... I don't know who reads this anymore, but I deserve to fucking know who thinks I'm being stupid. And you know what... maybe to everyone it looks like it was sudden-like. And to that I say, try living with my mental state of break. Always thinking... trying to decide and analyze feelings that are so nebulous that I can hardly unravel them. Try waking up in the morning wondering how you're going to figure out this mess. Going to bed knowing that everyone is hurting and it's all your fault. Maybe I'm being really dramatic. But I don't care anymore.
Guess what guys? I'm a big kid. Big kids make their own goddamn decisions and then live with what that means. If I weren't prepared to do that... why would I have done any of this at all?
I choose to open another door. Without knowing what lay behind it. Please... let me find out on my own.
It feels increasingly like not one person I know thinks that I'm capable of making my own decisions. Like they assume that I don't think through on my decisions and that obviously this is a huge mistake. And that I was manipulated into something that can't possibly be right for me.
And... I don't know. I've been making decisions for myself, trying to direct some of my life's path a little... and no one wants to have the faith in me to do it right. I understand that people worry about me, that they want what's best. I totally appreciate that. It's nice to have people who care. But when those people tell you point-blank that you NEED to re-think everything because it's all a huge mistake and they KNOW it's wrong for ME.. well then we have a problem.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. My brother IMed me tonight to basically try and convince me that I'm totally wrong and just confused. To try and play shrink. He's 17.. and barely knows whats going on. Not that age has anything to do with his insight. But it made me angry because he said some things that shouldn't have been said. Hateful, angry and judgemental things. And the last was perhaps the most surprising. I know that personally I've been raised to be very non-judgemental (this might be my own ego talking though). And to hear him judge someone he has met once, for about 30 seconds, and to instantly assume he knows that person's character. It's just wrong.
And it makes everything so much harder. He's my brother. He's one of the most likely to voice it. So.. who else thinks I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? Honestly... I don't know who reads this anymore, but I deserve to fucking know who thinks I'm being stupid. And you know what... maybe to everyone it looks like it was sudden-like. And to that I say, try living with my mental state of break. Always thinking... trying to decide and analyze feelings that are so nebulous that I can hardly unravel them. Try waking up in the morning wondering how you're going to figure out this mess. Going to bed knowing that everyone is hurting and it's all your fault. Maybe I'm being really dramatic. But I don't care anymore.
Guess what guys? I'm a big kid. Big kids make their own goddamn decisions and then live with what that means. If I weren't prepared to do that... why would I have done any of this at all?
I choose to open another door. Without knowing what lay behind it. Please... let me find out on my own.
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