fiarra | nyani?

Once again I find myself staring at a blank journal entry page, trying to avoid the work that is sitting here on my desk... and again being pestered by my own inner thoughts.

It feels increasingly like not one person I know thinks that I'm capable of making my own decisions. Like they assume that I don't think through on my decisions and that obviously this is a huge mistake. And that I was manipulated into something that can't possibly be right for me.

And... I don't know. I've been making decisions for myself, trying to direct some of my life's path a little... and no one wants to have the faith in me to do it right. I understand that people worry about me, that they want what's best. I totally appreciate that. It's nice to have people who care. But when those people tell you point-blank that you NEED to re-think everything because it's all a huge mistake and they KNOW it's wrong for ME.. well then we have a problem.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. My brother IMed me tonight to basically try and convince me that I'm totally wrong and just confused. To try and play shrink. He's 17.. and barely knows whats going on. Not that age has anything to do with his insight. But it made me angry because he said some things that shouldn't have been said. Hateful, angry and judgemental things. And the last was perhaps the most surprising. I know that personally I've been raised to be very non-judgemental (this might be my own ego talking though). And to hear him judge someone he has met once, for about 30 seconds, and to instantly assume he knows that person's character. It's just wrong.

And it makes everything so much harder. He's my brother. He's one of the most likely to voice it. So.. who else thinks I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? Honestly... I don't know who reads this anymore, but I deserve to fucking know who thinks I'm being stupid. And you know what... maybe to everyone it looks like it was sudden-like. And to that I say, try living with my mental state of break. Always thinking... trying to decide and analyze feelings that are so nebulous that I can hardly unravel them. Try waking up in the morning wondering how you're going to figure out this mess. Going to bed knowing that everyone is hurting and it's all your fault. Maybe I'm being really dramatic. But I don't care anymore.

Guess what guys? I'm a big kid. Big kids make their own goddamn decisions and then live with what that means. If I weren't prepared to do that... why would I have done any of this at all?

I choose to open another door. Without knowing what lay behind it. Please... let me find out on my own.

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I have faith in you Lina. Enough so that I don't just trust you to decide your own fate anymore.

You play a part in deciding mine too. I think that speaks loudly enough.

I have faith in you. Admittedly I thought it was sudden too, but with the circumstances being as they were, it makes sense. and I trust that you can do what's right for you. I know exactly what you're going through, I know lots of people say that, but I really honestly did, and only a couple weeks ago. Just hang in there, you can do it, both of you can ::hug::

I agree; you need to take a step back, tell everybody to Get the Fuck Out, Shut the Fuck Up, and go away because you know what's going on and what you want to do and what you have to do in order to get it done. People need to understand that you have to live by what your definitions of failure and success are, not theirs, and that you're taking ownership and responsibility for things. I think sometimes family members are too ashamed for their kids or something, so they must always meddle, or try to get their kids to live the dreams they could never fulfill. It's time to make a stand. Reverse psychology can work well. You can threaten to be the very image of failure they have of you if they don't cut it out. It is appropriate, because it's not like you're being self-destructive with drugs or anything anti-social. You just want to take your life back and your folks need to get back on the sidelines and watch, or better yet, cheer you on.

There is some seriously awful advice listed above. One of the problems with LiveJournal is the collection of friends you gather tend to be a mix of real life acquaintances, a few good friends, and sometimes random people that you only know online. In most cases, they're going to be heavily biased, especially since you present your own biased P.O.V.'s in your entries. The default is to support you and you typically get a very one-sided audience. If you're prudent you'll filter out a lot of what you read here, which might include what I'm about to tell you, but I believe I'm in one of the best positions to tell you straight up.

In my own biased opinion, from where I am sitting, I want to think that you've fucked up and you're fucking up again. Everyone I've talked with last year about our break up whom I explain your current relationship situation to agrees that you're basically doing the same thing this year that you did last year. And they all agree that you've fucked and you're doing it wrong again, nothing's changed, no real growth has occurred.

But I've come to a realization. You're getting exactly what you want. You enter into a relationship, take, and when it doesn't suit you anymore and someone else comes along, you bail to start all over again. You and your friends can say whatever you guys want but the bottom line is that your own actions speak SO MUCH LOUDER than your words. Your track record speaks for itself no mattetr what you say or how you'd try and twist it. It can't be spun.

So do I think that you're fucking up? No, definitely not. You're going to get exactly what you want in a very true manner of speaking. Now, do I think the methods which you use to get what you want are fucked up? You bet'cha.

I don't think you're a nefarious evil-doer that will stop at anything to get exactly what they want. But I absolutely think that you're a self-centered, inconsiderate, untrustworthy individual prone to making awful relationship decisions. And you keep proving so.

Even so, I wish you luck with your next relationship: may it be falsely meaningful and deceptive like your previous two relationships since you've demonstrated that is exactly what you want from them. You get what you put in.

LiveJournal: "Where breaking a nail gives you sympathy and hugs and stupid is celebrated."

I think that the way you're feeling right now is completely normal. Now, I'm not going to say that I know what you're going through, but I will say this: I believe in you.

Just make sure that you never stop believing in yourself.

Geez Carolina. I can't believe xyz. What were you thinking?!?!?

I mean I could go into how not visiting me at Oberlin was a life ending mistake. But I've beaten that drum enough already :)

Carolina, I won't go into what is listed above me. I'll send you a personal email and call me if you wish to go further. I'll include my phone number.

Peter

You, of all people, should know I have faith in you to do what you think you need to do. If the door you've opened leads to happiness... then I'm happy for you.
I want to stay friends with you. I dont like your decision, but I think that's pretty obvious.
You gave me the best year I've ever had. I think it would be rather selfish of me not to have some faith in you.

=) IM me sometime. We can still talk about this stuff, you know.

P.S. Ignore the emo fucktard in the spandex. Dunno why you would listen to his drivel anymore...

Hmm, thats odd you sound EXACTLY like how "the emo fucktard in the spandex" did when she did this about a year and a half ago (Sept-ish 2005). Except the difference is that you have already seen this all before from the other side. Only at that time you played the role of Justin and now you are playing the role of Pat.

*Heavy Sarcasm* Ladies and Gentlemen we have here a first rate genius.

Heh, thanks for giving me a laugh.

But to the matter at hand it is what she wants. Is it the right way to do things? In my opinion, no, it isn't. Though none of that matters. Who the hell cares, it isn't like it matters. She will do what she wants and people will voice their opinions and nothing will happen.

Lina, if you don't like how this turned out, yet again, then actually just tell a person promptly that you are dumping them. None of this string them on bullshit. “Oh I like you but I like this person” blah blah blah. Just say it how it is and no fooling around with others until you have dumped them first. But just as I said, I am voicing my opinion and nothing will happen. You will largely ignore this and it doesn't matter if you do or don't because it is your life and you can mess it up or fix it however you want.

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