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trying to open my eyes.. and failing...
So, apparently a hell of a lot more people read this thing than I would have ever thought as I discovered yesterday when like 5 people asked me about yesterday's entry. Apparently, I was implying something that wasn't true. I belive the exact words I got from Steve were: it sounded like you were all bouncy and loving... *facepalm* Apparently people also don't look at what I put as the mood for the moment. Interesting...
Anyway, things are starting to straighten out. I think my problem before was that I was trying to figure out too many things at the same time, which made everything I was feeling get all mixed up. But when I look at things in pieces, I see where I stand on things. And in the process I think I've started a good friendship. =) And thus life is happy... sort-of...
Meh... I'm putting the rest behind a cut. I'm feeling pensive and I don't think I'm going to stop things from coming out for now...
Last night I hit a really bad low. Really bad. Anime club was... not fun. Why? Over the past few days it's kinda hit me how very alone I am. I'd built up a really good illusion over time that I wasn't. But things lately have made me realize. And then I was at anime club, and I could feel the groups around me forming and such.. and all I could think was how detatched I was from everything. I didn't talk to many people... I couldn't make myself pretend. So I didn't.. but I don't suppose that helped me feel any less alone.
It's been a while since I felt like that. I mean.. I guess I always felt that before I got into a relationship, but I never felt it because I didn't know anything else. And now that I'm back at that state.. I wonder how happy I really was before... I must have been to a certain extent...
And then I plunge into this abyss of doubt.. and self loathing. It's all great fun.
And all I can think is that I must be jealous. Jealous as I look at the people around me, interacting.. smiling.. being all happy. And I wonder why I can't let myself be like that anymore. And I suppose it's because I got a major dose of SUCK with the entire situation. I start to question who my friends were... who they still are.. are they even my friends anymore? I was told that it's not that I don't have friends.. it's that I distanced myself enough that people assumed that I didn't want to be bothered so they left me be. But.. that's not what I wanted. I may not have seemed as affected by my descent into singleness... but.. hell, it changed everything. I'm just good at deceit... self-deceit especially.
Loneliness is hard to recover from... especially since I haven't had to deal with it before. And I can't help but feel that I can't rely on my friends to get me out of this. If only because I don't really understand why anyone would want to be friends with me in the first place. I'm notoriously bad at finding anything good in myself, mostly because I don't care enough sometimes to look for it. Or maybe I'm just afraid of what I'll find. People keep telling me that I'm wonderful, kind, a good friend... and it confuses me. And I think though all this, the thing hurt the most in me was my self-esteem, not that there was much to hurt to begin with...
And the only comclusion I can draw is that I seem to be spiraling more rapidly than I can reach out and grab things to try and slow myself down. I keep telling myself that I can do this on my own. The one thing that stays constant is the thought that I can't give up. Can't give into the darkness that seems to hide within me. Distractions are good... I like distractions...
And friends.. I like those too... but I'm not sure how many I have right now. It's weird, thinking about that. Who are those people who know that something is wrong just be looking at your face... who are the people who can get 2 lines of IM from you and know how you're doing.... the people you invite to dinner and laugh with, no matter what......
I don't blame anyone but myself. Life is a series of circumstances that you inflict upon yourself. That's all it is. And if it means I have to take a lot of blame for things..then so be it.
And if it means I'm going to be lonely for a long time... well, I just better get used to it. Because I think it's going to be there for a long time...
*sigh* I probably shouldn't even post what I think... god knows it will probably just make things more complicated... but hell... i can't make myself care anymore...
10 min till I'm out of work... meh.
Anyway, things are starting to straighten out. I think my problem before was that I was trying to figure out too many things at the same time, which made everything I was feeling get all mixed up. But when I look at things in pieces, I see where I stand on things. And in the process I think I've started a good friendship. =) And thus life is happy... sort-of...
Meh... I'm putting the rest behind a cut. I'm feeling pensive and I don't think I'm going to stop things from coming out for now...
Last night I hit a really bad low. Really bad. Anime club was... not fun. Why? Over the past few days it's kinda hit me how very alone I am. I'd built up a really good illusion over time that I wasn't. But things lately have made me realize. And then I was at anime club, and I could feel the groups around me forming and such.. and all I could think was how detatched I was from everything. I didn't talk to many people... I couldn't make myself pretend. So I didn't.. but I don't suppose that helped me feel any less alone.
It's been a while since I felt like that. I mean.. I guess I always felt that before I got into a relationship, but I never felt it because I didn't know anything else. And now that I'm back at that state.. I wonder how happy I really was before... I must have been to a certain extent...
And then I plunge into this abyss of doubt.. and self loathing. It's all great fun.
And all I can think is that I must be jealous. Jealous as I look at the people around me, interacting.. smiling.. being all happy. And I wonder why I can't let myself be like that anymore. And I suppose it's because I got a major dose of SUCK with the entire situation. I start to question who my friends were... who they still are.. are they even my friends anymore? I was told that it's not that I don't have friends.. it's that I distanced myself enough that people assumed that I didn't want to be bothered so they left me be. But.. that's not what I wanted. I may not have seemed as affected by my descent into singleness... but.. hell, it changed everything. I'm just good at deceit... self-deceit especially.
Loneliness is hard to recover from... especially since I haven't had to deal with it before. And I can't help but feel that I can't rely on my friends to get me out of this. If only because I don't really understand why anyone would want to be friends with me in the first place. I'm notoriously bad at finding anything good in myself, mostly because I don't care enough sometimes to look for it. Or maybe I'm just afraid of what I'll find. People keep telling me that I'm wonderful, kind, a good friend... and it confuses me. And I think though all this, the thing hurt the most in me was my self-esteem, not that there was much to hurt to begin with...
And the only comclusion I can draw is that I seem to be spiraling more rapidly than I can reach out and grab things to try and slow myself down. I keep telling myself that I can do this on my own. The one thing that stays constant is the thought that I can't give up. Can't give into the darkness that seems to hide within me. Distractions are good... I like distractions...
And friends.. I like those too... but I'm not sure how many I have right now. It's weird, thinking about that. Who are those people who know that something is wrong just be looking at your face... who are the people who can get 2 lines of IM from you and know how you're doing.... the people you invite to dinner and laugh with, no matter what......
I don't blame anyone but myself. Life is a series of circumstances that you inflict upon yourself. That's all it is. And if it means I have to take a lot of blame for things..then so be it.
And if it means I'm going to be lonely for a long time... well, I just better get used to it. Because I think it's going to be there for a long time...
*sigh* I probably shouldn't even post what I think... god knows it will probably just make things more complicated... but hell... i can't make myself care anymore...
10 min till I'm out of work... meh.
no subject
ps if u can play tuxracer on a linux computer, do so, its fun.
And to all you uconn peeps that ive just pissed off, note the sarcastic tone I used (although u deserve it for making carolina sad, way to drop the ball....)
jk jk