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I'm just gonna talk... ignore me
I just need to get stuff out. Now. While not near my other journal. Ignore this because I'm just talking for my benefit. (unless you're bored and desperate to know my inner monologue)
These past couple weeks have been really weird. It's like, random mood swings all over the place. Like last night. I had a blast during the day. Went out with Kirsten and Susana shopping and had fun trying on all the really tall shoes at Payless and walking around. And then I get home, am busy, etc. Had a decent evening. And then around 10 I just got really depressed. I was reading and drawing just fine up till then. And then I realized how much I miss Joe and spend 5 minutes curled up on my bed, strangling a teddy bear and trying to make noise as I cried. When the tears finally stopped, I just lay there thinking for such a long time. And I'm just like, how do I miss someone so much when I've never even met them before? And in my confusion, deep down inside, it just hurts when I realize that the people who should be trying to help me through it and stuff just don't understand. And at the same time, I'm scared. Because we don't talk anymore because of my lack of internet, and phone calls are hard with me nervous about the bill and I'm scared of more distance. There's enough distance between us just with the physical distance. I don't need or want anything else there. And then I just wonder if maybe I'm being silly because I know he loves me and I know I love him and what else do I want, but distance scares me somewhat. And I mean, we talk whenever I get online time, but it's not the same at all. It's almost superficial feeling cuz it's all like, how're you and what have you done since we last talked and it doesn't get much chance to get beyond that because we're both leading different lives with different surroundings and it's hard to start deep or emotional conversation when both people just aren't fully able to commit to continuous and serious convo given the circustances. And then I have my friends who tell me about how they talked to him online at such and such time and I cling to that cuz at least I have some way of knowing what's going on. But it's not fun knowing that my friends talk to my boyfriend more than I do. And seemingly have more to talk about as well. SO then I wonder if maybe I just lack the conversation skills to succeed in life because it always happens that I run out stuff to talk about and I'm really bad a chit-chit. And I wish I were better at it, but everything that comes out is either whining or just so much useless babble that I feel like people don't care about in the first place. And everyday it gets harder. My parents don't want to discuss my relationship, I'm bored all day, and it seems like everything reminds me in some small way of him. And it leaves me at a loss for what to do. And then it's late at night and I just feel so alone. And I know that I'm on the path to totally alienating myself from people as I sink into my thoughts but even knowing that I don't know how to pull myself out. And I wish sometimes that I could just leave my house and go away somewhere to sit in the sun and read and just not think about anything. But that isn't feasible so all I have left for me is to watch anime and read manga and obssessively draw stuff. But even doing that I know that is't the answer and I have to go. I don't think i feel better...
These past couple weeks have been really weird. It's like, random mood swings all over the place. Like last night. I had a blast during the day. Went out with Kirsten and Susana shopping and had fun trying on all the really tall shoes at Payless and walking around. And then I get home, am busy, etc. Had a decent evening. And then around 10 I just got really depressed. I was reading and drawing just fine up till then. And then I realized how much I miss Joe and spend 5 minutes curled up on my bed, strangling a teddy bear and trying to make noise as I cried. When the tears finally stopped, I just lay there thinking for such a long time. And I'm just like, how do I miss someone so much when I've never even met them before? And in my confusion, deep down inside, it just hurts when I realize that the people who should be trying to help me through it and stuff just don't understand. And at the same time, I'm scared. Because we don't talk anymore because of my lack of internet, and phone calls are hard with me nervous about the bill and I'm scared of more distance. There's enough distance between us just with the physical distance. I don't need or want anything else there. And then I just wonder if maybe I'm being silly because I know he loves me and I know I love him and what else do I want, but distance scares me somewhat. And I mean, we talk whenever I get online time, but it's not the same at all. It's almost superficial feeling cuz it's all like, how're you and what have you done since we last talked and it doesn't get much chance to get beyond that because we're both leading different lives with different surroundings and it's hard to start deep or emotional conversation when both people just aren't fully able to commit to continuous and serious convo given the circustances. And then I have my friends who tell me about how they talked to him online at such and such time and I cling to that cuz at least I have some way of knowing what's going on. But it's not fun knowing that my friends talk to my boyfriend more than I do. And seemingly have more to talk about as well. SO then I wonder if maybe I just lack the conversation skills to succeed in life because it always happens that I run out stuff to talk about and I'm really bad a chit-chit. And I wish I were better at it, but everything that comes out is either whining or just so much useless babble that I feel like people don't care about in the first place. And everyday it gets harder. My parents don't want to discuss my relationship, I'm bored all day, and it seems like everything reminds me in some small way of him. And it leaves me at a loss for what to do. And then it's late at night and I just feel so alone. And I know that I'm on the path to totally alienating myself from people as I sink into my thoughts but even knowing that I don't know how to pull myself out. And I wish sometimes that I could just leave my house and go away somewhere to sit in the sun and read and just not think about anything. But that isn't feasible so all I have left for me is to watch anime and read manga and obssessively draw stuff. But even doing that I know that is't the answer and I have to go. I don't think i feel better...
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As far as making phone conversation easier, what I usually try is thinking positively before getting on the phone, or reading a current magazine - Time, Newsweek, something like that - so the other person and I have something to talk about. You may be living in different environments, but there are certain stories and concerns that are of national interest ... and not even the boring ones either. Like you could talk with him about the Nick Berg beheading, and whether or not the video should have been posted. Or whether or not you're still proud to be an American. He truly cares about you, and WANTS to know your thoughts on what's happening around you. I promise.
Hope I've helped a little,
-Carin-
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