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I wish my mind would stop spinning
mmmmm... pilfered hot chocolate and blueberry muffins from the people I babysit for. heh heh..... i mean.... Did I say pilfered? I meant, "borrowed". Eh, whatever.
Oooo I noticed that Marianne found my LJ!!! Yay!!! HI MARIANNE!!!! *waves* .... I wonder if she'll see this or not...
Anyway... I feel drained. Mentally, physically and emotionally. It's an interesting feeling. I think I'll put the explanation behind a cut though... I don't want to inflict my rantiness and ponderings on everyone...
So last night I talked to one of my good friends on the phone for an hour and a half. We shall call her X for the time being. X's roomie OD'ed on Advil with rum and coke on Tuesday in an attempt to kill herself. The roomie then moved out and left X alone. The issue is that X has been sucidal before. On the phone she told me that she had been thinking about it. This scares me. I know that X has a lot of people at school who talked to her about this. I think she's doing better. But it really scared me. I've never really had to deal with this and when I was on the phone last night, I just felt useless. I wanted to be able to say something or do something to help. But no matter what I said, it just wasn't enough in my mind. My mind just can't deal with this stuff. Anyway... I just felt dumb and useless. And I keep thinking about it and wondering if I really helped her at all. I dunno.
(X, PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS!!!!!!!!!)
Talked to my boyfriend as well last night. Told him what was going on and stuff. Rather pointless discussion since this really is something I need to think about on my own anyway. I kinda wish I hadn't brought it up really. Made the convo kinda awkward. I just wanted to talk for a bit and be silly and bored as usual. Oh well I guess...
Then we come to today. I did a lot of thinking today. I mean a lot. Actually got up before noon. I went to sleep earlier (15 min. before 1am) because I was bored and my mind was being dizzy from everything that was going on. So I was up earlier. Had a good time blasting my music really loud and cleaning the bathrooms and just generally trying to forget everything. When I finished that, I went and played Solitaire for god knows how long. It was then that I just started thinking. This is bad because it just makes me sad and droopy when I start to dwell. I blame the Solitaire. I was thinking about last night and how my friends will often come to me to talk about what bothering them. And how I always listen to them and either try to say something that might help or act silly and random to get their mind off what is bugging them. And I wondered.... Have I ever done that with anyone? I feel like, I've never really gone to anyone with my problems. I mean, I tell some stuff, but I'm really not very open with anyone. SO I started thinking about that and how I never tell people if I'm sad or upset or anything and it just sortof makes me sad. It would make life easier, but I can't do it. I try. But I don't want to bother other people, or be annoying.
And that all just brought me to when we moved and how I felt on that day when we pulled away from our apartment. I remember crying silently in the car, looking out the window so my brother wouldn't see me. Of course, he noticed. He asked, "are you crying? why?" What do you answer to that? I remember wanting to yell at him. Ack... I don't want to talk about this. Why? Why am I still dwelling on this? urgh... moving on.
So yeah... too much thinking today. Too much questioning myself and too much staring at my computer screen blindly and playing mindless card games. Too much inactivity lately. It's made me tired. And now all this and I just have no outlet for it. grrr... I think I will end here with this stuff. I had everything all planned out in my head earlier, but I've forgotten it all now.
On now on to the regularly scheduled program...
Babysat again tonight. Waiting for the parentals to get home now. I learned something very valuable today. NEVER play Monopoly with a first grader. For the record.. it was her idea, not mine. Weirdest game I've ever played. We went around the board the other way because she wanted to and she kept not paying the right amounts, but I didn't want to have to keep correcting her, so I stopped trying. Oh well. Was fun anyway. And I wanted to scream at the little boy tonight. He's so spoiled. He's on medicine for an ear infection and he's not allowed to have food to close to when he takes it. So I give him the meds at 8:30 right? At 8:45 he says, "Carolina I'm really starving. I want to eat something." All I could do was say no. But then he starts sobbing and crying and whining. I wanted to scream. I really did. He did that pitiful sob thing and what can I do? He's not my kid. I can't do anything. I ended up giving him like half a pretzel thing so he would stop. I'm just thinking, if I'd ever tried that with my parents at home I woulda gotten a slap and been sent to my room or something. I dunno... Now I'm rambling.
Oooo I noticed that Marianne found my LJ!!! Yay!!! HI MARIANNE!!!! *waves* .... I wonder if she'll see this or not...
Anyway... I feel drained. Mentally, physically and emotionally. It's an interesting feeling. I think I'll put the explanation behind a cut though... I don't want to inflict my rantiness and ponderings on everyone...
So last night I talked to one of my good friends on the phone for an hour and a half. We shall call her X for the time being. X's roomie OD'ed on Advil with rum and coke on Tuesday in an attempt to kill herself. The roomie then moved out and left X alone. The issue is that X has been sucidal before. On the phone she told me that she had been thinking about it. This scares me. I know that X has a lot of people at school who talked to her about this. I think she's doing better. But it really scared me. I've never really had to deal with this and when I was on the phone last night, I just felt useless. I wanted to be able to say something or do something to help. But no matter what I said, it just wasn't enough in my mind. My mind just can't deal with this stuff. Anyway... I just felt dumb and useless. And I keep thinking about it and wondering if I really helped her at all. I dunno.
(X, PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS!!!!!!!!!)
Talked to my boyfriend as well last night. Told him what was going on and stuff. Rather pointless discussion since this really is something I need to think about on my own anyway. I kinda wish I hadn't brought it up really. Made the convo kinda awkward. I just wanted to talk for a bit and be silly and bored as usual. Oh well I guess...
Then we come to today. I did a lot of thinking today. I mean a lot. Actually got up before noon. I went to sleep earlier (15 min. before 1am) because I was bored and my mind was being dizzy from everything that was going on. So I was up earlier. Had a good time blasting my music really loud and cleaning the bathrooms and just generally trying to forget everything. When I finished that, I went and played Solitaire for god knows how long. It was then that I just started thinking. This is bad because it just makes me sad and droopy when I start to dwell. I blame the Solitaire. I was thinking about last night and how my friends will often come to me to talk about what bothering them. And how I always listen to them and either try to say something that might help or act silly and random to get their mind off what is bugging them. And I wondered.... Have I ever done that with anyone? I feel like, I've never really gone to anyone with my problems. I mean, I tell some stuff, but I'm really not very open with anyone. SO I started thinking about that and how I never tell people if I'm sad or upset or anything and it just sortof makes me sad. It would make life easier, but I can't do it. I try. But I don't want to bother other people, or be annoying.
And that all just brought me to when we moved and how I felt on that day when we pulled away from our apartment. I remember crying silently in the car, looking out the window so my brother wouldn't see me. Of course, he noticed. He asked, "are you crying? why?" What do you answer to that? I remember wanting to yell at him. Ack... I don't want to talk about this. Why? Why am I still dwelling on this? urgh... moving on.
So yeah... too much thinking today. Too much questioning myself and too much staring at my computer screen blindly and playing mindless card games. Too much inactivity lately. It's made me tired. And now all this and I just have no outlet for it. grrr... I think I will end here with this stuff. I had everything all planned out in my head earlier, but I've forgotten it all now.
On now on to the regularly scheduled program...
Babysat again tonight. Waiting for the parentals to get home now. I learned something very valuable today. NEVER play Monopoly with a first grader. For the record.. it was her idea, not mine. Weirdest game I've ever played. We went around the board the other way because she wanted to and she kept not paying the right amounts, but I didn't want to have to keep correcting her, so I stopped trying. Oh well. Was fun anyway. And I wanted to scream at the little boy tonight. He's so spoiled. He's on medicine for an ear infection and he's not allowed to have food to close to when he takes it. So I give him the meds at 8:30 right? At 8:45 he says, "Carolina I'm really starving. I want to eat something." All I could do was say no. But then he starts sobbing and crying and whining. I wanted to scream. I really did. He did that pitiful sob thing and what can I do? He's not my kid. I can't do anything. I ended up giving him like half a pretzel thing so he would stop. I'm just thinking, if I'd ever tried that with my parents at home I woulda gotten a slap and been sent to my room or something. I dunno... Now I'm rambling.
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