fiarra | emoemostresscrashburn

I don't know if it's because classes just started again or what, but I feel myself hovering on the verge of a total meltdown. And I can't let myself get there because this is just the beginning and I have so many things I should be doing that are not curling up in the dark and sleeping/crying for a week.

I just feel like lately there have been a lot of things that have really bothered me. And not only bothered, but actually HURT emotionally. In a way it's a good thing, if you get hurt means you actually cared at some point. (oooh depressing self, so depressing). And it's not even fandom. The fandom and the stanning and the flail is all fine still.. I just. I dunno.

Basically this summer has been the most whirlwind and insane thing I have ever done. I traveled multiple states, met sooo many amazing people, made so many connections.. and of course have seen a show that borders on total religious experience for me. But with that are all the complications of, oh I have a social life of sorts again. And part of why I am stressing out is because through my new friendships I start re-evaluating how I have connected to others. And some of it has made sense, but then I also have a sense that I lost a couple people who were really important to me along the way. And not even really LOST-lost.. just .... drifted? I dunno. I don't even know how to explain it. But basically if I think about it too hard, I end up crying... so I just.. don't think about it. But I miss you.

Add fandom drama to that and it's like... I start feeling like I don't have a safe space anymore? And then things I should be excited about, things I could maybe be planning... it all takes a backseat to everything else that is bad. I think maybe I'm over-invested or something.

ugh, why can't I write anything without it turning into tl;dr? I dunno, I think maybe lately I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in specific which leaves me kinda... here. Like, I dunno, maybe I'm missing something that means people want to stay friends with me or something (idk idk this isn't making sense).

This has no point to it. I'm just sad and stressed and I need to pull myself out of it and smile like I do... yeah.