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rabbit rabbit
So... its February...
I suppose, all things considered, things have been going relatively well.
Classes-
Racquetball frustrates me more now. I keep getting stuck with these 2 girls who have no clue wtf they're doing. So it makes it hard for me to try and play cuz they're being total spazzes about playing. So... frustrating.
Biochem lab is annoying and pointless. Lecture puts me to sleep and the reading is dull. I have an exam next Friday. Time to start cracking. Another lab note: the TA is incompetent and treats us like we're 5.
Analytical Chem is also kicking my ass... a lot. The lab is long and tiring but fun especially since my lab partner is apathetic like me so I dont feel bad being bitterly sarcastic with him. The lecture consistently sends me into nap mode and the professor likes to assign random homeworks without clear directions and no indication of whether he has received our assignment emails.
Patho Lab is um... good I think. I hope. Im still avoiding it.
Extracurricular-
Anime Club is in full swing again. Again, a decline in attendance, but less so than other years. We applied for funding for Anime Boston and boy was that fun. I went over every paper and list like 5 times to make sure it was absolutely perfect. I also think we argued our case well for the funding board, so... time to wait and fidget.
ResNet is going better. I dont feel quite so useless as an ALT anymore and Im starting to have fun there again. Its weird that Im going to be leaving. Its been such a part of my college life that I wont know what to do without it...
Other-
In terms of personal life things have been both good and kinda upsetting. All for different reasons. I don't like seeing people I care about being this upset. I knew it was going to happen but Ive never been the type of person who can see that all the time and stay happy about other things. I know this is going to take a lot of time and Im doing the best I can to try and make that the easiest possible. I mean... otherwise things are going well.
Im going home this weekend. Not entirely sure how I feel about that. It'll be nice to be in my room again, nice to see my siblings.. and I need new sneakers. But at the same time, everything I *really* like is here at school. My friends, my dorm room, my boyfriend... and ultimately a greater degree of freedom than I'm used to at home. So I suppose Im not really in the right position to understand how some people really just dislike campus, dislike storrs and wish more than anything that they could just be home. pfft.. and Im totally just ranting, but I suppose its not the nicest feeling to hear "i dont like it here i'd rather be home" knowing that it excludes me. Which... sounds extrememly self-centered and jealous. At any rate, I have plenty of things to worry about as it is, so this should probably be one of those silly things that I laugh off and move on about.
I suppose part of it was that down in my core, Im a very dependent person. And once I find that someone who is going to let me latch onto them, I don't want to let go. Which leads to some awkward moments, some jealous moments.. and ultimately so very lonely moments. Sometimes to the point where Im in the same room with said person and I still feel like theyre too far away for me to reach for a while. Which I realize is completely the wrong way togo about anything and I need to start being able to just deal with life and how it works.
Man... I don't even know where Im going with this. I suppose this is all part of the giant leap I took, trying to trust someone else in a completely new way... very quickly. I knew it wasnt going to be easy. And I was right. It isnt easy. Its so stupid because I know that I used to trust people before. I did it easily. And I kinda wish I could have that back. But I feel like in doing this I risked so much of me that now Im just terrified that it could go all wrong and be taken away. Which is really stupid too. I suppose its a valid fear, but not to this extent. And once again I dont know where Im going with this. I really just needed somewhere to rant about stuff.
I think.. all it can come down to is my tendancy to be possessive and jealous about things I perceive to be "mine". (in the objective and personal sense) I mean, I know that another person cant really be ALL MINE... thats just silly. Anyone who knows me well will already know that about me. But it's hard to explain how much that can really hinder my own thoughts. Because I get wrapped up in it, paranoid that Im going to miss something important... that someone/thing is going to move into my own personal life space and take parts of it away.
And now that I sounds like a total nutcase. So far we have.... paranoid, jealous, possessive, lonely, self-centered.... Yup, I'm a winner. Sheesh... what happened to my self-esteem when I got to college. I feel like at some point I had some. At some point I must have been able to accept that sometimes you just have to trust other people and not try to read into their every word, action and interaction trying to find something behind it that could bode ill for me.
It's going to be a very long weekend for me for lots of reasons. And stressful trying to act like Im not constantly trying to tell myself that I can trust someone else and just smile. Especially since this isnt an issue or person I can really talk to my dear mother about. Im planning on keeping myself busy so maybe that can distract me a little... but I know it wont work all the way. Yup.. long and lonely.
Oh life..... I give up for now
I suppose, all things considered, things have been going relatively well.
Classes-
Racquetball frustrates me more now. I keep getting stuck with these 2 girls who have no clue wtf they're doing. So it makes it hard for me to try and play cuz they're being total spazzes about playing. So... frustrating.
Biochem lab is annoying and pointless. Lecture puts me to sleep and the reading is dull. I have an exam next Friday. Time to start cracking. Another lab note: the TA is incompetent and treats us like we're 5.
Analytical Chem is also kicking my ass... a lot. The lab is long and tiring but fun especially since my lab partner is apathetic like me so I dont feel bad being bitterly sarcastic with him. The lecture consistently sends me into nap mode and the professor likes to assign random homeworks without clear directions and no indication of whether he has received our assignment emails.
Patho Lab is um... good I think. I hope. Im still avoiding it.
Extracurricular-
Anime Club is in full swing again. Again, a decline in attendance, but less so than other years. We applied for funding for Anime Boston and boy was that fun. I went over every paper and list like 5 times to make sure it was absolutely perfect. I also think we argued our case well for the funding board, so... time to wait and fidget.
ResNet is going better. I dont feel quite so useless as an ALT anymore and Im starting to have fun there again. Its weird that Im going to be leaving. Its been such a part of my college life that I wont know what to do without it...
Other-
In terms of personal life things have been both good and kinda upsetting. All for different reasons. I don't like seeing people I care about being this upset. I knew it was going to happen but Ive never been the type of person who can see that all the time and stay happy about other things. I know this is going to take a lot of time and Im doing the best I can to try and make that the easiest possible. I mean... otherwise things are going well.
Im going home this weekend. Not entirely sure how I feel about that. It'll be nice to be in my room again, nice to see my siblings.. and I need new sneakers. But at the same time, everything I *really* like is here at school. My friends, my dorm room, my boyfriend... and ultimately a greater degree of freedom than I'm used to at home. So I suppose Im not really in the right position to understand how some people really just dislike campus, dislike storrs and wish more than anything that they could just be home. pfft.. and Im totally just ranting, but I suppose its not the nicest feeling to hear "i dont like it here i'd rather be home" knowing that it excludes me. Which... sounds extrememly self-centered and jealous. At any rate, I have plenty of things to worry about as it is, so this should probably be one of those silly things that I laugh off and move on about.
I suppose part of it was that down in my core, Im a very dependent person. And once I find that someone who is going to let me latch onto them, I don't want to let go. Which leads to some awkward moments, some jealous moments.. and ultimately so very lonely moments. Sometimes to the point where Im in the same room with said person and I still feel like theyre too far away for me to reach for a while. Which I realize is completely the wrong way togo about anything and I need to start being able to just deal with life and how it works.
Man... I don't even know where Im going with this. I suppose this is all part of the giant leap I took, trying to trust someone else in a completely new way... very quickly. I knew it wasnt going to be easy. And I was right. It isnt easy. Its so stupid because I know that I used to trust people before. I did it easily. And I kinda wish I could have that back. But I feel like in doing this I risked so much of me that now Im just terrified that it could go all wrong and be taken away. Which is really stupid too. I suppose its a valid fear, but not to this extent. And once again I dont know where Im going with this. I really just needed somewhere to rant about stuff.
I think.. all it can come down to is my tendancy to be possessive and jealous about things I perceive to be "mine". (in the objective and personal sense) I mean, I know that another person cant really be ALL MINE... thats just silly. Anyone who knows me well will already know that about me. But it's hard to explain how much that can really hinder my own thoughts. Because I get wrapped up in it, paranoid that Im going to miss something important... that someone/thing is going to move into my own personal life space and take parts of it away.
And now that I sounds like a total nutcase. So far we have.... paranoid, jealous, possessive, lonely, self-centered.... Yup, I'm a winner. Sheesh... what happened to my self-esteem when I got to college. I feel like at some point I had some. At some point I must have been able to accept that sometimes you just have to trust other people and not try to read into their every word, action and interaction trying to find something behind it that could bode ill for me.
It's going to be a very long weekend for me for lots of reasons. And stressful trying to act like Im not constantly trying to tell myself that I can trust someone else and just smile. Especially since this isnt an issue or person I can really talk to my dear mother about. Im planning on keeping myself busy so maybe that can distract me a little... but I know it wont work all the way. Yup.. long and lonely.
Oh life..... I give up for now
Hang in there!
You definitely aren't alone. I just hope you're able to relax a little and get everything figured out. It helps with the stress to know whats going on around you. <3 <3 hang in there!! It'll get better for you, i'm confident in saying that. You're stronger than all of your fears and doubts.
Re: Hang in there!
^^ *hugs*
=\
Glad to hear classes are going well. Hope raquetball gets better for you. We should play sometime.
On other things...i dunno. you know my feelings, but if you want a more removed perspective, then I would say...your right. You've risked a huge part of your life, and it could pay off, or it could come crashing down. Its akin to climbing a rock wall without a rope, i guess. If you make it, youll be fine, but if something happens and you lose your hold, it could be bad. I dont want to sound pessimistic, just trying to look at the whole picture. But the core thing is...are you happy? If youre happy, then thats all that matters. People heal. I will heal, eventually. At least, thats the thought that keeps me going.
Sorry I cant help more...I know I'm kind of a downer in Biochem. Ill try to fix that...
*hugs* Im always here if you wanna talk. You know that.