musings

[fiarra]

I've been in a pensive mood lately. I'm only partially sure why and it's just kinda dumb. I'm still trying to decide if i like being mega-busy with school just for the sake of having something to always be worried about. It's a weak form of avoiding my issues, but it works... I suppose. I could deal with it if I weren't still recovering from being sick. It makes me antsy and irritable...

Anyway, at work and in the mood for some idle pondering. Putting it under a cut as I'm fairly sure most people dont want to see it. *shrug*

In a few days, it will have been 6 months since Pat and I broke up. That's a little more than half the time we were actually together. i'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, mostly because it feels simultaneously like forever and like yesterday all at the same time. I suppose it has to do a lot with the fact that I'm not sure how much real progress has been made in terms of mending things between us. Sometimes it feels ok and sometimes things explode into wonderfully dramatic fireworks (like last night somewhat). I suppose all I can do is work towards something like peace, or at least tolerance. There are just.. issues. And I get so angry at somewhat perceived hypocrisy and wrongness. Maybe we're both running away from something. I don't know anymore. I've been taking it one day at a time and hoping that leads me to something good.

At the same time, on Friday Jacob and I will have been together for 3 months. It's... nice. Sometimes, when we're just chilling in his room, both of us doing homework and studying, it just feels natural. And then I just feel really lucky because after everything that's happened I still managed to find someone. Someone who is willing to love me and who I can love back. Reassuring? Yes it is. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens with that. I know what I would like to have happen.. but that's something to keep within my own head. *nods*

Sometimes I just feel like I've grown-up more though. Like as a result of this whole thing I've lost part of myself. I suppose that's what they call growing up and learning to take responsibility or something. Some of the pictures I see of my friends being strange, silly, immature. Something inside doesn't seem to understand why that's fun anymore. *sigh* That's so depressing. (edit: as a side note in response to cristina's comment, I havent lost my inner child. shes just modified her idea of what is fun) But it had to happen I guess. It's starting to sink in that after next year I'm gone. And already I have to start studying for the GRE, looking up grad programs across the country, trying to plan a future for myself. Still even trying to decide if I should really go to Cali for grad school. It would be nice... but in reality it's really far away. *sighs* I don't know.

I think perhaps I will wrap this up. i guess the general conclusion can be that my life is starting to restabilize itself. I have a ways to go, but I can wait it out see where it takes me.

And with that, I play minesweeper.

Comments

[phlipp.livejournal.com]

Oh, how cute, Carolina's lost her innocence. I don't really remember the next part of the English class outline for teenage short stories, but it probably has something to do with getting to that moral at the end. (Hope you don't take this too personally, I'm pretty sure your not one of my friends that gets offended easily, but if this post isn't here tomorrow I'll know for sure)

I, alas, am also addicted to the minesweeper. Your scores, particularly on expert look rather intense. Is the ghetto mineweeper you use the same as micro$ofts or have you been cheating?

[starsparkle333.livejournal.com]

hahahahaha thats amazing. yes i believe the next part is where i have some grand realization and moral. *nods sagely*

and yay minesweeper. the scores i have up on facebook are for Hex Minesweeper which can be downloaded online. I lost my previous high scores for regular minesweeper and i'm working on re-beating it so I can post those too.

[xxacidmv.livejournal.com]

the hexminesweeper is a bit easier because it is easier to see all the sides so you dont make a dumb mistake like forgetting about a side

[crstn85.livejournal.com]

not taking time to be immature is not at all a part of growing up! growing up is knowing when its appropriate to act silly. we must act silly together soon, it is fun and essential to life. tonight i convinced the entire CAUSE board that it would be a good idea to do karaoke together at a local retirement home. i forsee this being a great bonding experience, even if we never speak of it to anyone else.

[starsparkle333.livejournal.com]

lol @ karaoke. that will be interesting.

and i suppose i didn't properly explain that. maybe it's something more along the lines of: my version of what = silly has changed