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inception not!fic: arthur is obsessed with JLo
Basically, we all went into a google doc chat to rewatch the most recent episode of Doctor Who as a group (for flailing purposes) and instead... we spent 4 hours watching the most amazing not!fic in the world.
It all starts with Jennifer Lopez and resulted in some new headcanon for me.
In short, Arthur is secretly obsessed with JLo and Eames is a giant comic book/sci-fi nerd.
Warnings include: Ryan Seacrest, glitter, American Idol fans and laminating machines of mysterious origin.
me: i have that jlo song stuck in my head
me: specifically the "i'm like inception, i play with your brain" line. MAKE IT STOP
neednever: i have some 'that's the way i like it heeeey' song in my head
me: JLO HAS INCEPTED me, HALP
Manderkat: JLO referenced Inception? how dare she >:|
coulditbeJenG: ahahahh i have not even HEARD That jlo song
Manderkat: me either
me: it's the "on the floor" song, with pitbull
coulditbeJenG: but i would fucking LOVE a fic where Eames keeps playing that and annoys the fuck out of arthur
me: hahahahah
Manderkat: or where it's Arthur's secret pleasure
me: that or the black eyed peas song that references inception
WHICH IS A TERRIBLE FUCKING SONG FUCK YOU BEP (sorry, i have feelings)
coulditbeJenG: lollllllllllll arthur dance parties in his underwear too it
me: lmfao
Manderkat: like he has a room dedicated to the thespian and musical history of JLO
coulditbeJenG: legit loling
me: ......i need this in my life
Manderkat: and he OWNS Jersey girl
neednever: oh god
me: arthur: closet jlo fan.
coulditbeJenG: i would read that so hard
me: he just wants to be jenny from the block, okay
Manderkat: he was crushed when she split with Ben, and still kinda thinks Mark is a vampire
coulditbeJenG: eames would be so turned on
me: this is now my new headcanon
Manderkat: that song about loubotons? which I spelled wrong, actually, totally turned him on and made him price shoes
Manderkat: AND NOW ARTHUR SECRETLY RECORDS AND WATCHES AMERICAN IDOL
coulditbeJenG: ahahha omg maybe he bought a pair
Manderkat: he's not a big Scotty fan. Haley, tho. she's got a little Jenny from the Block in her
coulditbeJenG: and is like now what will i do with these shoes....... so then eames catches him wearign them
Manderkat: HE WAS JUST TRYING THEM ON, OKAY.
coulditbeJenG: aahahhah
coulditbeJenG: BUT THEN LIKES DANCING WITH THEM ON
me: manda, there are literal tears rolling down my face right now. i need someone to write this.
Manderkat: except Eames used to be Handsome Bob, and One Two had this THING for nice women's shoes
Manderkat: so, y'know, it's okay
Manderkat: also, Arthur MIGHT be planning his schedule around the AI finale. He's got tickets (don't ask)
me: manda, plz write this fic. or incept someone else into writing it
Manderkat: lmao, I don't think anyone would write this
it's legit insane
me: /o\
Manderkat: there's totally backstory here tho.
Arthur saw Selena at a very delicate point in his adolescence. It had an impact
neednever: and then JLo plays selena
Manderkat: no, he saw the movie :P
neednever: .same difference
Manderkat: it's why he imprinted on JLO!
neednever: LOL imprinting
he even has her perfume line
me: hahahahaa
Manderkat: of course he does
unopened, though
neednever: of course
Manderkat: his collection is mint
coulditbeJenG: lmaooooo OMG the entire story can be told from different jlo songs at different points of time
neednever: does he date women with big butts?
Manderkat: much like Eames' comic book collection, but we're not talking about that.
neednever: lool
coulditbeJenG: wait wat, eames has a comic book collection
Manderkat: when he can. he has a thing for accents and shiny skin, too
of course he does.
neednever: EAMES FORGES JLO AT SOME POINT
Manderkat: why else would he be creating a scheduling system for himself so that he can be in line at the Avengers premiere??
lol, EAMES WOULD
coulditbeJenG: ahahahahhaahh
ohhhhhhhhhhhh avengers
Manderkat: and then, of course, gets into an argument with Arthur over how Ben's work on Daredevil didn't break up his romance with JLO
neednever: HAHAHA
Manderkat: Arthur, of course, has had an irrational hatred for Marvel movies ever since
neednever: i cant stand Ben btw
coulditbeJenG: LOOOLL omg eames would have so much fun with that
aww i love ben
Manderkat: which is putting a crimp into Eames' theoretical plans to secretly bring Arthur to the premiere
coulditbeJenG: hes a really good director
Manderkat: he is
But neither of them can really excuse Jersey Girl
neednever: i agree just i dont like his face in movies sometimes. his expressions dont.. idk
coulditbeJenG: loooooooooooooooooooool
neednever: LOL Jersey Girl
Manderkat: Which Arthur owns, of course, but the DVD has never actually been viewed
Eames' does kinda feel the need to redeem Marvel. So he introduces him to Tony Stark and his lovely suits.
(Arthur has always preferred Batman, really.)
coulditbeJenG: loooooooooooool omg
neednever: of course
Manderkat: AND THEN. Eames finds the pdf of Arthur's tickets to the AI finale and stalks him. because, y'know, he worries.
dream work can really mess up your brain.
coulditbeJenG: ahahhhahahaha that's legit hilarious
most random personality quirk ever
Manderkat: so he follows arthur, acquiring a ticket through a VERY naughty series of cons (Idol fans scare him). He manages to survive the group numbers (barely. wtf why is this music), and watches Arthur watch the judging table
Manderkat: he suspects that maybe Arthur has a thing for Steven Tyler. Which, okay. YMMV but he admires the man's body of work and dedication to spectacular scarves
coulditbeJenG: ahaha eames
Manderkat: and he could maybe be okay with randy because Eames had his own 'in love with all things Journey' period (the t-shirt with an airbrushed 'don't stop believing' is in storage. somewhere)
And then he thinks for a moment that Arthur is one of those people who inexplicably believes that Ryan Seacrest is actually more man than machine (Eames is a bit of a conspiracy theorist. all comics nerds are, at heart)
coulditbeJenG: looooool ryan is a machine
Manderkat: And Seacrest does wear a suit well (alien. or robot.)
neednever: LOL
Manderkat: But somewhere in between frantically plugging his ears before BEP's duet with Taylor Swift ACTUALLY MELTS HIS BRAIN and hiding his eyes from the most glaring (even for him) display of sartorial horror during Rebecca Black's cameo,
he notices that Arthur's gaze is still firmly set on the gleaming extensions attached to Jennifer Lopez' large head
coulditbeJenG: and her long flowing locks
Manderkat: and his heart sinks (or the combination of tone-deaf contestants and something called the Lazy Song finally activated his body's self-defense system) because he'd honestly thought that Arthur was, y'know, gay.
(how else do you explain Cobb, really.)
but JLO? the one who married the vampire?
Eames has a crisis of self-confidence (which is more common than he or his sartorial choices would ever admit)
coulditbeJenG: ahahahahah and how can he compare to those shoes?
Manderkat: when he realizes that Arthur's model of perfection - and there must be some kind of deep-seated connection, because this finale thing is worse than torture in Ukrainian prisons (Eames would know).
his model of perfection is wearing a dress made of sequins and glitter and silk
and her shoes are several inches higher than even Eames' most daring female forge would go for
coulditbeJenG: loolll and loop earrings
Manderkat: yes, god, those earrings.
they make his eyes hurt when the spotlights from the stage are directed at the judges (although, again, there are so many other possible causes for PAIN in this room tonight...WHAT WAS THAT NOTE, Katy Perry, it does not exist on an actual scale)
And her teeth. god. Eames has never considered getting his done before - it fucks with accents and he's never been able to afford that - but he would in a heartbeat if he thought Arthur would look at him like he's looking at the center chair of the trio on the platform.
coulditbeJenG: oh eaaaaaaaaaames
neednever: :'(
Manderkat: Fuck, he's pining. over Arthur's seemingly solid crush on a woman with small half-vampire children and a truly disturbing movie career (he tried to watch Jersey Girl. once.)
Manderkat: This is ridiculous. This entire night, this horrendous display of American 'music', this...thing where Arthur is looking at some woman's BACK with an expression Eames has been trying to draw out for five years now.
neednever: dyyying
me: poor eames. his life is so difficult
coulditbeJenG: lol
Manderkat: He starts to plot an escape through the screaming crowds of women with signs who seem to have colonized the Nokia, when a spotlight focuses on the older woman in front of him - apparently the demon-spawn on stage have PARENTS in the audience, good god - and Arthur, along with the rest of the godforsaken audience, turn to look directly at him.
coulditbeJenG: lol oh boy
Manderkat: He's too busy ducking under the giant cardboard sign (who the fuck is James and why should he be screaming?) held aloft - and swinging - by the woman behind him to see Arthur's face.
But he's had enough experience with anger and condescension and occasionally shocked-horror on those features that he doesn't think he needs to.
neednever: LOL
awww
coulditbeJenG: oh bb
Manderkat: He gets caught in a sudden onslaught of balloons and confetti and somehow manages to end up backstage, staring at Ryan Seacrest's hair (mounted on his dressing room table, apparently ready-to-wear in case of emergency)
me: oh god eames, don't make eye contact with the hair. it might eat you
neednever: full of seacrets
Manderkat: when the judges work their way back behind the curtain for a costume change or something. JLO is apparently in need of something more shiny (the SUN?) and Steven mumbles something mysterious and disappears into a dark corner of the stage, magnificent scarf flashing in the light and coated with glitter shed from the spectacle in the center chair
Manderkat: Randy seems distracted by a flashing strobe light in the next room. Eames doesn't really want to know
Apparently - and really, there is a god and it hates him - the door he's ended up blocking belongs to the glittery maelstrom herself.
Manderkat: She's smiling like the very best of the stepfords until she gets close enough to growl into his ear something that sounds like "blah blah I will eat you alive if you've touched my louboutins or harmed a single sequin on my FINALE GOWN" and Eames, who has always had a sensible fear of women married to vampires, smiles his most charming smile and slides out of her way
neednever: ARTHUR WHERE AR EYOU
Manderkat: she doesn't close the door completely, so when she starts calling (screaming) for assistance with her FINALE GOWN (he can hear the caps lock in her voice, it's impressive)
he finds himself inside the door and fumbling with millions of tiny buttons. In gratitude (or flightiness caused by blood loss), the newly resplendent (blindingly bright) JLO MARK II hands him a signed headshot and kisses it.
Manderkat: still in shock (and attempting to blink away the flashing spots in his eyes leftover from the sunspots on the GOWN), Eames stumbles his way out into the cheering crowd and runs into Arthur.
(literally runs into. he can't actually see anything, it's like walking out of the room after getting a series of mugshots done)
neednever: uhoh
coulditbeJenG: uh oh
Manderkat: In the process, the photo in his hand ends up crushed to Arthur's chest (which is covered in a truly lovely suit - if only Eames could see the middle bits)
neednever: :3
coulditbeJenG: oh eames
Manderkat: There's a moment where the two of them are frozen in shock, which could legitimately be blamed on the winner's song blaring over their heads (why is this girl singing about snakes and mountaintops and shoes? did JLO and the vampire co-write?)
Manderkat: but which neither of them seem capable of breaking
Arthur, the first of them to recover (having been inured to the nature of the American Idol EXPERIENCE), suddenly notices what Eames is holding and seems to just...stop breathing
Manderkat: "did you. did you do this for me? why? how did you know?! No one knows!"
neednever: AJSKHD
Manderkat: (except, of course, the 10 million people watching the finale on television - although arthur will later argue that the ratings are artificially inflated)
Manderkat: Eames is dumbstruck and possibly a bit deaf - he didn't quite get his ears covered before the screamy boy and Steven hit the finale of a thirty year old rock song earlier - so he doesn't answer right away.
"never mind. I'll find out later. this is...no one's ever...if you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you in your sleep. and outside of it."
Manderkat: He's clutching the photo to his chest, looking at it like it's holding an entire arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and a closet full of the 2011 fall line at the same time. Eames pulls a smile from somewhere, one that he's not sure would convince Arthur if he were paying more attention to Eames than to a slightly crumpled headshot
neednever: daw
coulditbeJenG: ohh
me: oh eames.... *pets*
Manderkat: The 'song' ends, the snake falls in love with a shoe, or gets made into a shoe, or something, and a mad rush of women and teenage girls falls upon the exit like a particularly annoying troop of Doombots
Eames shoves his hand into his pocket and checks his chip - this shit cannot be real - only to find himself herded toward the door and away from Arthur
Manderkat: Arthur seems to notice at the same time, pulling his attention away from protecting the photo with his LIFE AND SOUL and his I HAVE A GUN DON'T PUSH ME FACE, long enough to catch Eames' eye. He mouths something that looks like 'outside, hotel' and melts into a streaming crowd of glitter and sparkles that would make JLO proud.
Manderkat: Eames has never really wanted to run with the bulls before. Now he knows why.
When he finally makes it into the parking lot - carefully avoiding the flashing lights and chaos of the red carpet - he stops in a spot hidden from the lights and the crowd and just breathes for a moment. Then he breaks into the car - soccer mom from San Diego, complete with leftover take away cups and bits of glitter and feathers - and heads to Arthur's hotel.
(of course he knows where it is. Arthur's not the only one who can do a bit of research)
neednever: yaaaay
Manderkat: Ditching the minivan, he heads toward the lobby. If he's rehearsing all of the apologies he's ever heard and girding himself for a punch or two, well, he'll never tell.
He gives the girl manning the lobby his best sob story, playing up the horrors of the Idol-related traffic and his own shell-shocked appearance, and gets to Arthur's room, key in hand
neednever: eeeeee
Manderkat: He can hear music playing inside
neednever: JLO???
me: go eames goooo
Manderkat: Something he's never heard before that still manages to plant itself in his head (he'll be hearing it again the next time he goes under - his subconscious has an annoying tendency to loop shitty songs from the great megaphone in the sky)
and really, isn't a Pitbull a dog?
He hesitates for a moment, gathering up the shreds of his normally pretty infallible Arthur-Shield and hoping that Arthur will hold off on some of his more cutting barbs - Eames is fairly certain that Taylor Swift and the discovery of Arthur's crush on the lady vampire are like his kryptonite
coulditbeJenG: lol taylor swift
Manderkat: Comic books are notoriously unhelpful when it comes to lessons about romance. Stopping alien invasions or putting down immortal Nazis? Sure. Walking into the hotel room of someone you maybe think you might be a little in love with? Well, Tony Stark is not a romantic marvel, and Steve Rogers dated someone named the Black Widow.
neednever: hee
coulditbeJenG: just lmfao forever.
Manderkat: he straightens his tie, wipes a bit more glitter and confetti out of his hair (good god jlo) and slides the keycard into the lock.
He doesn't see Arthur at first, and panics, thinking that he's been abandoned in a room with a stereo system stuck on a song about shoes as a punishment for following Arthur into the abyss.
Manderkat: but no, Arthur's actually in the corner of the suite, hunched over what looks like a...laminating machine? yes. he can smell the faint scent of burning plastic from the entryway.
neednever: OH GOD
Manderkat: His jacket is on the bed, hair slightly ruffled and sparkling with hints of the Nokia Theater's Glitter Plague (c. 2011)
coulditbeJenG: loooooooooool
neednever: bahahaha
me: he's laminating the picture, isn't he
coulditbeJenG: ahah he just has/finds a laminating machine
neednever: YES
Manderkat: for some reason, those little sparks of light give him courage (any relation to the artificial courage gained by drinking goldschlager and drunk texting Arthur and once, accidentally, Yusuf, is completely irrelevant)
"Arthur? Darling? What are you..." "It was crumpled during the mass exodus. I'm saving it from further harm."
Manderkat: Eames actually understands this motivation. He has several first run Avengers comics safely preserved under lock, key, poisonous gas, and deadly lasers in one of his storage facilities, right next to his full-size replicas of Captain America's shield, the TARDIS and a somewhat functional sonic screwdriver.
neednever: TARDIS
:'D
everything is beautiful and nothing hurts
coulditbeJenG: loooooooooooooooool
me: eames, you nerd
Manderkat: Arthur breathes out gently and slides the newly-laminated picture of JLO's head, complete with a perfect imprint of her lips and the inevitable and incredibly sneaky bits of glitter around the edges, away from the machine and onto an empty spot on the desk.
neednever: he should put something heavy on it so it doesnt warp
Manderkat: (lol, yes thank you) Arthur flips his laptop over and sets the smooth top of it on top of the picture, settling it carefully into place with the kind of care Eames has only ever seen him give to cleaning his guns (not a euphemism, unfortunately)
Manderkat: giving in to the heat of the room and his own nervousness, he slides his coat off and sends a shower of glitter onto the end of the bed. "sorry love, glitter's a beast to escape" "apparently so are you. did you follow me? you'll forgive me if I doubt your dedication to American Idol"
Now that the picture has been covered, Arthur turns to look at Eames for what seems like the first time since the unfortunate spotlight incident.
"Simon Cowell is a national treasure."
coulditbeJenG: omg
me: tears. down. my. face.
neednever: LAKJSdh
Manderkat: (eames will NEVER admit that there's a dvr in one of his london flats with an entire season of that reality show about choosing the next Maria von Trapp. Damn John Barrowman and Jack Harkness)
Manderkat: "So. Jennifer Lopez. Arthur, darling, I feel as if I never knew you at all!" "You never did, and still wouldn't if I had my way"
Ouch. Score one for Arthur.
"Dammit, Eames," Arthur shoves his fingers through his hair, freeing more of the glitter and distracting Eames enough that he nearly misses Arthur slumping onto the bed, almost certainly mussing the lines of his shirt and waistcoat
as much as he's fantasized about seeing Arthur mussed and in bed, this isn't going exactly to plan (apparently you can never expect American Idol and its attending tortures)
me: .....AI = the spanish inquisition
neednever: lawd
Manderkat: "I followed you. I'm...I was worried. It seemed so out of character, and after what happened to Lulu, well..."
"You thought I might end up like LULU? she dreamed herself into a world of teletubbies and never woke up, Eames. I hardly think that attending the AMERICAN IDOL FINALE is anything like - oh."
Manderkat: Arthur pauses, then drops his head into his hands and hunches over. Eames instinctively reaches out to set a hand on his back, but pulls back at the last second.
"Not exactly the same, but I'll admit to a twinge of curiosity. You're very...buttoned up all the time, pet. I suppose I wanted to see what you saw in this. I seem to have failed in that effort, rather miserably I'm afraid."
"Eames, no one actually enjoys American Idol. It's institutional schadenfreude."
"should be institutionalized.." Eames murmurs, still somewhat traumatized by the entire ordeal.
neednever: aww Eames
Manderkat: "I don't really expect you to understand, you know. I'm not sure I do, really. It's just...It's been...she's been...I've followed her career from the beginning, Eames, and sometimes it's like this entire other world I can escape to when I'm following my former best friend around, trying to keep him from getting arrested for murder - or from being murdered by Ariadne in the mornings before the coffee run. She's always there, unchanging, not perfect but still so..."
"Shiny?"
Arthur's face falls into his hands again and his shoulders start to shake. Eames feels a momentary pang of horror, thinking that he's somehow made ARTHUR cry, until he realizes that he's actually LAUGHING
"Yes, exactly. Our world isn't really very shiny, is it."
"I...I think I can understand that. What will you do with the photograph?" "Get your mind out of the gutter, Eames."
"Wouldn't you rather join me there instead? We have survived a horribly scarring experience tonight, after all."
(superheroes can totally do this part of the romance game)
(he's firmly convinced that somewhere, after they save the earth from Skrulls or Doom or HYDRA, Tony and Steve have celebratory sex and cuddling in a corner of the mansion)
neednever: :DDDD
coulditbeJenG: fuck. yeah.
Manderkat: Arthur just looks at him blankly for a moment, before his face breaks into the kind of smile that Eames has only dreamed about seeing (sometimes literally. his projection of Arthur is somewhat more idealized than it should be)
me: eamesss <33333
Manderkat: Eames is so stunned by Impossible Thing number 1 that he is taken completely by surprise when Arthur lunges at him from the edge of the bed and shoves him down on his back.
Arthur's still smiling at him, and his hair, loosened from the ritually aggressive pomade Arthur favors, is flopping down into his eyes and showering glitter on Eames' shirt
"Well. That's not an improvement. Which garage sale did you get this from? I can't believe you met Jennifer Lopez wearing salmon and teal stripes."
Manderkat: Eames doesn't even get the chance to defend his shirt (which is really not that bad and worked fine with the brown checked pants, thank you Arthur) before Arthur has torn through his shirt and is examining the tattoos on his chest.
Manderkat: Arthur, however, is still unfairly covered. Shirt, tie, waistcoat, Eames suddenly hates all of it. "Arthur, you're overdressed" "You're poorly dressed. That takes precedence" Eames doesn't even notice the disappearance of the brown checked slacks.
Manderkat: Laying there, Eames suddenly realizes that Arthur isn't looking at him like he looked at JLO's back or like he looked at the photograph.
neednever: !!
Manderkat: The expression on his face is wondering and slightly fearful, and as Eames jealously watches him chew on his bottom lip, he realizes that this expression is so much better. It's real. Eames is real.
neednever: EEEEEEE
me: dslk;ajdk;
Manderkat: He fights his way out of the remnants of his shirtsleeves and reaches up to touch Arthur's face, running a calloused finger down his cheek, tracing that perfect expression. Arthur's smile suddenly shifts to one that has appeared as a shadow of itself in Eames' more creative fantasies, gaining a dirty twist and accompanying a movement of Arthur's hand that misses his face and wanders lower
Manderkat: Arthur traces the lines of Eames' tattoos, then finds its way down, pushing past his boxers. Eames stops breathing.
Then, of course, his stunned brain remembers that it has hands, too, and Arthur's clothes join the brown checks and salmon and teal stripes on the floor.
It's kind of a perfect match.
THE END.
me: *sealclap*
neednever: \O/
me: that was beautiful
Manderkat: EPILOGUE: Someday Eames will take Arthur to his storage container, and someday Arthur will show Eames the hidden room inside the closet of his Paris apartment
neednever: :D :D :D
Manderkat: where his collection of shoes, perfumes and DVDs and CDs lives
neednever: books. surely there are books
Manderkat: But until then, there's a dirty hotel bed, a forgotten photograph, and a date circled in both Eames' and Arthur's calendars with a little sketch of an A inside a shield next to it.
There are also 2 codas, that are posted HERE